


Awkward

by Phynoma



Series: The In-Between [5]
Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxiety, Awkward Sexual Situations, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canon-Typical Behavior, Demisexuality, Dorks in Love, Elves, Erotica, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, Kissing, Late Night Conversations, Light Angst, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Male Slash, Non-Penetrative Sex, Painful Sex, Rimming, Romance, Romantic Friendship, Sex, Shameless Smut, Sweet, Sweet/Hot, demisexual Aloth Corfiser
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:34:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28505307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phynoma/pseuds/Phynoma
Summary: “Question you don’t have to answer:” Mirad said, and Aloth opened his eyes to flick him a suspicious glance. “You said yesterday you hadn’t done this before. Why not?”Aloth blinked, and then a self-deprecating smile flashed over his face. “I should think that would be obvious,” he said dryly.In which sex doesn't always go as intended but the boys make up for it anyway, and some demi Aloth vibes (love my romantic demisexual boy)CW// short scene of painful sex
Relationships: Aloth Corfiser & Iselmyr, Aloth Corfiser & Iselmyr & The Watcher, Aloth Corfiser/Male Watcher, Aloth Corfiser/The Watcher
Series: The In-Between [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980169
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	Awkward

**Author's Note:**

> Trying a new style with spaces between paragraphs- feedback appreciated!  
> If you want to skip the explicit stuff, head down to the ###

“Ow. _Fuck!_ ”

If the previous time had been magical and almost ethereal, the wet-dream-come-real-life of the past sixteen years, tonight was a crash-course in reality. It was awkward and clumsy; Mirad struggled to keep his erection up for reasons known only to the gods and Aloth, it transpired, was still sore from their previous escapades. He hissed as Mirad backed off, the Watcher’s cock shriveling again in empathy. 

“Sorry,” he panted. “We shouldn’t have gone so far last time. Maybe we should step back a little.”

“Sixteen years and you want to _step back?_ ”

Mirad sighed, re-lubricating and trying to urge his erection back. When he was halfway there he added a substantial amount of oil before making another attempt. 

  
Aloth was on his side with one knee bent to his chest, which meant Mirad could see his face even as he knelt over him. His eyes were squeezed shut, lips thin with concentration. Mirad felt arousal slipping away from him again and ran his hand up Aloth’s side, tracing lightly over his ribs. The wizard shivered.

  
“Hey,” Mirad said quietly. “You okay?”

  
Aloth gave him a stiff nod, then opened his eyes. 

  
“Of course,” he said. 

  
Mirad pushed his leg up higher, widening him a bit more before resting the head of his erection against him. Aloth was shivering without stop now. Mirad had the odd feeling that he should comfort him, but Aloth was the one making the suggestions, and if this was what he _wanted_ …

  
He leaned forward, just beginning to press into him. Aloth jerked in surprise, his hand tightening on Mirad’s wrist, but he was silent.

  
Mirad rubbed the small of his back, feeling goosebumps pop up under his fingers. He waited for him to relax again but Aloth remained tense.

  
“Are you breathing?” Mirad asked. Aloth’s grip slackened a little and he let out a sigh that was clearly meant to be evidence. 

  
“Yes,” he said into the sheets, burying his face. Mirad chuckled. 

  
“Okay. Keep doing that,” he said. Carefully, he adjusted so that he had one arm hooked under Aloth’s knee to keep it raised as he pressed forward, into him. Aloth’s breath released in a long hiss. A ripple went down his body, and he knotted the sheets into his fists, his face blank with pleasure or pain or both. 

  
He was tight and hot and gods, even moving as painstakingly as they were, it felt good. Mirad was shaking as he pushed all the way in, thoughts fizzling out under the pressure of their careful intimacy. Aloth breathed in deep as Mirad braced himself on his hips.

  
When Mirad moved his hips experimentally, Aloth clenched around him, his shoulders jerking forward. Mirad waited until he had stilled again before drawing back in deep stroke. Aloth shuddered again. Mirad rubbed his hand over his ribs, smiling when Aloth moaned into the sheets.

  
“Again?” he asked quietly, even as he leaned forward, a little more quickly this time. “Oh, Hel, Aloth.”

  
Aloth’s fist tightened in the sheets. He let out a soft, plaintive sound as Mirad drew back again.

  
As he thrust in a third time, his haze of pleasure was cut through by a thick brogue.

  
“Wait a wee mo, Watcher! Aye cannae take tha’all!” 

  
There was a sharp note of haste and fear in Iselmyr’s voice that killed Mirad’s arousal as immediately as a bucket of ice water. He pulled out as quickly as he could without making things worse.

  
“Thank’ee,” Iselmyr gasped as Mirad released him. 

  
He pushed back Aloth’s hair to look into his face. Aloth forced Iselmyr back down, but he was unable to hide the lines of pain around his mouth before Mirad could see. Mirad’s heart dropped to his toes.

  
“Fuck, why didn’t you tell me I was hurting you?” he asked wretchedly. Aloth shook his head, obstinate despite his trembling. It took him a moment to find his voice, but when he did, it was sure.

“I’m fine, Mirad. It’s my choice. I want to keep going.”

“Nope. I’m not doing this,” Mirad declared, crossing his arms. “Look, you’re the one who’s not going to be able to walk tomorrow, but I’m the one who gets to feel guilty about it. We just need to slow down for a little while, okay? Believe me, it can be much, much better than this. I know you don’t have a lot of experience, but you really don’t want to force this, Al.”

For a moment, the wizard’s jaw set and his eyes flashed and Mirad was sure he was going to object, but then he rolled over, physically and metaphorically.

“Fine,” he growled, with such rancor that Mirad couldn’t help but laugh.

“Gods, who knew you were so _stubborn_ ,” he chuckled. “I always imagined you’d be a more docile lover.”

Indignation at the accusation warred with a flash of warmth that Mirad had been imagining what kind of lover he would be. The conflict left Aloth temporarily silent, which gave the Watcher space to lean forward and take his shaft in hand. 

“Don’t worry,” he said, “If you want debauchery, there’s still plenty we can do tonight.”

Aloth sighed and capitulated.

“Appalling,” he grumbled, but it was easy to concede defeat with the Watcher’s fingers flexing around him. His eyes drifted closed as Mirad stroked him, drawing his attention away from the lingering pain of their failed attempts at penetration. Aloth let out another breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. His cock stiffened, the tension in his upper body swirling down to focus on the slick warmth of Mirad’s hand. He reached out to grab Mirad’s thigh for support. The Watcher grunted at the touch and Aloth felt the sound go straight to his blood like a shot of liquor. He flushed from ears to chest as the Watcher leaned over to kiss his chest. 

Mirad stroked and kissed and teased him until the wizard’s desire outweighed his discomfort. When he ran his thumb between Aloth’s legs, not quite reaching his asshole, Aloth felt the stroke all through his body. It left him weak and lightheaded, and without thinking he groaned and pressed up against Mirad’s hand, searching for more. Mirad smiled to himself and moved his fingers gently upward to press lightly against the spasming muscle. Aloth whimpered quietly. He wrapped his arms around himself and leaned into Mirad’s chest, waiting for the sting of entrance. 

But instead of going further, the Watcher moved his palm back between Aloth’s legs and onto his shaft. He stroked Aloth’s cock for a bit before returning to his hole and rimming him again, infuriatingly gentle. He kissed Aloth’s shoulder and down his arm, featherlight. After a few more rounds of this, Aloth squirmed impatiently. 

“Watcher,” he said through his teeth.

“Do you want more?” Mirad asked, all wide-eyed innocence. Aloth’s jaw tightened. He was breathing hard through his nose. 

When it was clear Mirad wasn’t going to continue without an answer, he scowled and spat out, “ _Yes_.”

Mirad ran his hand up Aloth’s arm instead. The wizard was about to protest when Mirad suddenly caught his hair and yanked his head back, swooping in to suck at his exposed throat. Aloth gasped. His vision went white for a split second and he heard a soft, animalistic whine that he suspected came from himself. The Watcher’s other hand, slicked with oil, moved over both of their shafts at once.

Mirad tightened his hand around their cocks and Aloth lost focus again.

“More?” Mirad breathed, and this time he didn’t wait before biting harder on his neck. Aloth whimpered again, and Mirad reflexively jerked his hips against him, goosebumps rising along his arms and back. 

“Damn,” he groaned, at the same time as Aloth gasped, “Oh, Mirad, _yes_!”

“Is that good?” Mirad asked, moving his hand back to massage Aloth’s cock alone. His own erection bumped up against Aloth’s stomach with his movements. He knew Aloth was deep in it, but he wanted to hear the elf speak his pleasure aloud. 

Aloth groaned, seemingly more at the effort of speaking than anything else. “Yes,” he said, high-pitched and strained. He pushed his arms over his face but Mirad laughed and pulled them down again. 

“Don’t hide,” he reprimanded. Aloth glared at him, trying vainly to pull his wrist from the Watcher’s grasp. 

“I’m not—” he insisted, then cut off with a dry, sobbing sound. “ _Mirad please gods oh—_ ”

Mirad pinned his wrist to the bed with one hand and continued to stroke him with the other, moving again between his cock and his ass. Aloth writhed with the effort not to push down onto Mirad’s fingers, so Mirad kept him pinned as he kissed him, not stopping until the elf was gasping and his cheeks were flushed dark pink. 

He was disgustingly well-formed, his sidelocks draped over his shoulders as neatly as if he’d been arranged for a portrait and the slender line of his body beautifully displayed against the dark quilt and ivory sheets. Mirad moaned, enchanted and overcome.

“You’re so beautiful,” Mirad murmured between kisses. Aloth’s wrist twisted under his hand and he made an uncomfortable huff, cheeks splotched with color. 

“Are you close?” Mirad asked. He sounded amused, but there was a throaty note to his voice that revealed how deeply affected he was, how aroused. Aloth made a frustrated whine, writhing again.

“I can’t…seem to get…”

“Okay. I’m going to trust you to keep your arms off your face,” Mirad said. He took his hand from Aloth’s wrist and moved it back to his cock. Aloth stayed dutifully still, but he dug fiercely into the sheets. 

“I don’t think I can get there,” Aloth groaned, “but it’s alright, Watcher.” He swallowed, focusing with difficulty, “I don’t typically cum every time, don’t…don’t feel like you need to bring me there.”

Mirad kissed his mouth, the most effective and pleasant way of silencing him. Aloth resisted at first out of surprise and then let his tongue in deep, letting go of the sheets to hold the back of Mirad’s neck. The Watcher groaned when they pulled apart for breath. He was so hard now it was starting to hurt. His cock left shining trails of precum over Aloth’s abs. 

He kissed him again, unforgiving, imagining that the penetration of his tongue was his cock and his fist around Aloth’s shaft was his own body, tight and hot and needy. Heat flooded his face and Mirad cried out, his rhythm faltering for a second as pleasure tightened his gut and slowed his brain. He caught his breath and began stroking Aloth again, but it was only a few more seconds before the tightness returned and his vision went white.

“Shit, I’m going to cum,” he warned, voice strained. 

“But I haven’t—” Aloth started to protest, and cut off as Mirad tensed once more. The rogue came with a strangled shout, burying his face against Aloth’s shoulder. 

“—touched you,” the wizard finished, with a bewildered but genuine laugh. An adoring smile flickered across his face, and then he grunted as Mirad kissed him again, hard. His eyes widened and he lurched into Mirad’s chest with a shudder, silent and startled as his own orgasm rippled through him. 

Mirad caught Aloth up in his arms as he drooped, glow melting slowly over them like cooling wax. 

“Did you just…?” he asked, even as he confirmed the answer with his hands. Aloth sighed, flinching as the Watcher moved his fingers over his sensitive cock. 

“You have the most lovely after-sex face I’ve ever seen,” Mirad informed him, voice huskier than normal. Aloth blinked drowsily up at him, too worn out to blush but clearly feeling that he should be embarrassed by the comment. 

“What’s that mean?” he grumbled.

“You just…you look…gods, I don’t know,” Mirad turned pink himself. “I just like looking at you.”

Aloth made a funny noise in his throat that Mirad thought might be a chuckle, based on the pleased look on his face. After another minute, perhaps because he knew Mirad was looking at him, he roused himself and swung out of bed. 

“I’m going to clean up,” he muttered, and fled back to his room.

###

Mirad grinned to himself as the door clicked shut. _That was real_ , he reminded himself, and flopped back against his pillows. He let out a long, slow breath, thinking over the day. Aloth had—well, almost, sort of—made a commitment. To him. To being together. And sure, he had panicked immediately, but surely that only meant he was serious…right? Could he keep him at Brighthollow until he was fully comfortable? 

The glow of intimacy and release began to pall. Mirad didn’t really think that Aloth would run scared, but he was notorious for keeping his own counsel. If he left for more than a few days, he might decide the pain of separation was preferable to the pain of being known. He would think over it, very logically, and then he would send Mirad a nice note explaining his decision and that would be it: Mirad wouldn’t see him again until the next time the world ended. Fuck.

Mirad tried to ignore the pit in his stomach, reminding himself that Aloth had given no indication of doing any of the things he was rapidly constructing in his mind. He’d admitted to being in love, hadn’t he? 

Of course, he also admitted that he couldn’t bring himself to say it the last time they’d seen each other, and he’d only shown up because the pressure of it had been weighing on him, so who was to say he wouldn’t be content now it was said? After Ukaizo, he had disappeared for a decade. Now that they were no longer silently pining for each other, what was to say Aloth wouldn’t leave for good when the novelty wore off? Mirad was starting to feel queasy. He found himself wishing Aloth would return just to save him from his line of thought. 

On cue, there was a light knock and Aloth peeked around the door. He was dressed in a robe, and seemed surprised to see Mirad hadn’t moved. The Watcher suddenly realized he was still lying in a puddle of sweat, cum drying on his stomach. He wiped it off with the sheet, feeling guilty and awkward. 

“Um,” he said. Aloth gave him a pitying look. 

“Do you want to ring for a maid and join me in my room while you wait?” he offered. Mirad gave him a grateful look and abandoned the sticky sheets.

“Thank you, by the way,” the wizard said, tilting his head towards his bed, “for the room.”

It took a moment for Mirad to comprehend he meant the physical space and not the metaphorical space he’d just been worrying over. He hadn’t quite worked out the surge of guilt that comment caused even as he flashed a grin and said, “Of course.”

“I mean it. Thank you.”

“Don’t push your luck,” Mirad teased, still unsettled, “I can still take it away and make you sleep with me.”

Aloth raised his eyebrows and Mirad went ashen.

“Oh gods, that sounded—I didn’t mean—” he stammered, but Aloth waved him off with a clipped laugh. 

“I know what you meant,” he said, but there was a chill to his voice.

“Aloth,” Mirad caught his arm, voice low. “You know I wouldn’t ever _make_ you do anything.” 

The wizard’s face softened ever so slightly. “I know.” He tugged Mirad along after him. “Come on.” 

Aloth went to sit in the chair by the door but Mirad looked so doe-eyed and pathetic that he ceded and joined him cross-legged on the bed, his hands clasped in his lap. Mirad scooted closer until their knees were just touching, and trailed his fingers over Aloth’s arm until the other elf’s shoulders relaxed. They talked about meaningless things for a while: the crop rotations Mirad had been trying to get in place, the changes to the Dyrwood since they’d been away. Eventually, they fell back into a comfortable silence. Aloth leaned against the Watcher’s arm, eyes closed, tracing a scar on his leg absentmindedly. Mirad took a deep breath, then hesitated.

“Question you don’t have to answer:” he said, and Aloth opened his eyes to flick him a suspicious glance. “You said yesterday you hadn’t done this before. Why not?”

Aloth blinked, and then a self-deprecating smile flashed over his face. “I should think that would be obvious,” he said dryly. 

Mirad frowned. “No?”

Aloth went slightly pink. “Oh, come on, Mirad.” His tone was one of an exasperated lecturer.

“Don’t try to patronize me,” Mirad raised his eyebrows, just as stubborn. “I met Ymir, remember? I’m sure there must have been others. Don’t try to pretend you didn’t have opportunities.”

Aloth picked at the quilt. “There were a few…persons of interest,” he admitted after a minute. “Ymir was never any real temptation, despite his—and Iselmyr’s—best attempts. But yes, there were a few students that, that I might not have been opposed to…had circumstances been different…” He shrugged helplessly. “Nothing more than passing fancies, however.”

He looked for a moment like he was going to say more, then didn’t. Mirad didn’t stop stroking his arm.

“For sixty years?” he prompted at last. “Because of Iselmyr?”

Aloth sighed. “You were lucky, Mirad. In a way. Not that I’d want to trade experiences with you. But your Awakening was later, and in a place less antagonistic to Awakened kith. It wasn’t simply embarrassment or the fear of Iselmyr speaking out that kept me from forming attachments, although that was certainly part of it. Her discovery meant the end of _everything_ for me. I can handle rejection from a potential lover. I would not have survived ostracism.”

“But…no one?”

The wizard shifted uncomfortably. “No. Well…” he shook his head. “No.”

Mirad waited. Aloth groaned and rubbed his face. 

“Once,” he said. “But we didn’t get very far. We were both inexperienced, barely thirty. He was a friend of a roommate. Half the class was lusting after him at the time, even more so because he came from the capitol and seemed very worldly to our young, provincial minds.” Aloth’s lips quirked up in reminiscence. 

“I’m not sure why he decided to confide in me—perhaps he could sense that I had my own secrets to hide, or maybe it was that I wasn’t fawning over him and so clearly had little interest in his reputation one way or the other. Perhaps he just figured that I had no one to tell. In any case, he admitted to me that he had absolutely no, ah, worldly experience to speak of, and asked if I could…practice with him.’

‘It seemed perfect at the time—he wanted to not embarrass himself with a partner he actually cared for, and I was curious but terrified of letting down my guard with anyone who might care enough about me to inquire after any oddities that emerged. I assumed he would be more concerned about himself than me, and I was right.”

Mirad’s eyebrows were very high. “That sounds pretty cut-and-dry. What happened, were you caught by someone?”

“No, nothing so alarming,” Aloth shook his head. “Our housemaster was rather ignorant of our—by which I mean all of us—fraternization; at least, _within_ the houses.” He smiled slightly. “Aedyr has a somewhat old-fashioned understanding of sexuality for such an extensive empire. It is still assumed, for instance, that those who express interest in others of the same sex will show very particular signs of their attachment. Roles, I guess one might say.” His smile widened, became sly. “An oversight that was taken well advantage of, as you might imagine.”

Mirad flopped onto his stomach and peered up at him, utterly captivated by this experience of growing up that was so different than his own. “So?” he prompted.

Aloth sighed and gave him a wan look. “As I said, he was more concerned with gaining experience than _my_ experience. I was anxious about Iselmyr, he was still trying to seem sophisticated and gregarious, we were clumsy and pressed for time. Neither of us were thinking about the other, I’m afraid. He was insistent he take the lead. He knew enough to use lubrication, thank Magran, but not enough to, ahem, prepare me in any other way.” 

Mirad winced. “Ooh.”

Aloth shrugged again, but the line of his body was tense. “I didn’t let him get very far. It was embarrassing, but no harm done. We vowed never to speak of it again and that was that. He ended up eloping with the daughter of the erl of Aeldhavn in our early academy training.”

The Watcher shifted to be able to touch his leg again. “You said no harm done,” he said quietly, “but you didn’t try again? Even after you’d left behind the kith who knew you?”

“It wasn’t that,” Aloth said, a little too quickly. “I realized that my situation was far too precarious to be jumping into intimate situations with just anyone. And, to be perfectly honest, I was glad not to worry about it. I had my schoolwork, and later my work for the Leaden Key. I didn’t miss it.”

“There are—” Mirad began, but Aloth cut him off with a sharp wave.

“Of course. Plenty of kith who will provide discreet company, yes? Like I said, it never interested me enough to tempt me to the brothel. Part of it was fear of discovery, but for the most part I really had no desire for it. It seemed, in the lives of my classmates at least, to be more of a bother than it was worth. Certainly not worth the diseases some of them brought back.”

“It’ as in sex,” Mirad clarified. 

“Of course.” His eyes widened, and he added hastily, “not that I haven’t enjoyed being with you, I—it’s different.”

Mirad laughed, and Aloth relaxed again. “Yeah, I wasn’t really too concerned that you weren’t enjoying yourself until now, so thanks for clearing that up. But I want to challenge what you’ve just said.”

“Oh?” It was Aloth’s turn to raise his eyebrows. 

Mirad rolled on his back and crossed his hands behind his head. “You claim you’re not—or you weren’t—interested in sex, but your _favorite poet_ is an Aedyran erotic author.”

Aloth burst into laughter, though he did roll his eyes. “I can appreciate good writing even if I don’t personally enjoy the subject. More to the point: I’ve never felt a need to seek out casual sexual encounters, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t miss the other aspects of taking a lover. Friendship. Intimacy. Not the things you find at a brothel. But I had pretty much given up hope on any of it by the time I’d met you.”

Mirad grinned, slow and cocky. “And then it was love at first sight, right?” 

Aloth hesitated, which only made Mirad’s grin widen. 

“I don’t; it’s not that; I wasn’t looking for—” Aloth spluttered, and Mirad sat up and grabbed the wizard’s hands within both of his. He kissed them. 

“I was joking,” he said, voice deep with restrained laughter. Aloth went pink. 

“Please don’t tease about that,” he requested in a small voice. Mirad kissed his forehead.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to question you,” he said, but Aloth shook his head.

“Not that. Don’t…don’t act like we…like it wasn’t…” He gave Mirad a desperate look. Mirad finally took the hint and grew serious.

“What?” He pulled Aloth’s robe out of his hands. “It wasn’t what, Al?”

The wizard’s mouth twisted and he hunched in on himself. Mirad pulled him against his chest. 

“Love,” Mirad murmured. He meant it as an admonition, as in _Aloth, my love, tell me what the Hel you’re on about_ , but Aloth let out a long, slow breath.

“Yes,” he said. 

It took another minute for Mirad to work it through. “I love you,” he said finally. Aloth groaned. “I’m not making fun, I promise.”

Aloth mumbled something into his chest.

“What?”

The wizard clutched him tighter, hiding his flush in the open v of the Watcher’s robe. A small, giddy bubble burst in Mirad’s brain, and he laughed.

“ _What?_ ” He pushed Aloth’s shoulder. “I can’t hear you.”

“You know what I said,” Aloth muttered, drawing away and curling instead into an upright fetal position. Mirad grinned.

“Maybe. I don’t know. It could have been anything.”

Aloth glared at him, flushed all the way down his neck. Then he buried his face in his arms and his arms on his knees. 

“Maybe,” Mirad suggested, leaning over him, “I want to hear you say it. To my face.”

Aloth lifted his head again, still pink but resolute. “I—” he said, and then his voice hitched. 

It was like being hit in the face with a sledgehammer. “You don’t have to—” Mirad started to say.

“—I love you,” Aloth gasped in one breath, and for a moment they both froze. Then Mirad let out a huff of surprised laughter that was really just the vehicle for the tears pressing against the back of his eyes, and then Aloth had unfolded and was kissing him timidly, his face damp and his eyes shining, and if the gods had chosen that moment to strike Eora its place in the universe Mirad would not have minded in the least. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this far! I'm likely going to post some more Deadfire scenes next, because what even is linear writing? Anything in particular you want to see? Let me know!


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